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Gold Star families bear silent scars

  • Published
  • By Airman 1st Class Tara A. Williamson
  • Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst Public Affairs
JOINT BASE MCGUIRE-DIX-LAKEHURST, N.J. --  Bandages, wheelchairs and prosthetic limbs: these are examples of the visible scars service members bring back with them from a war zone. What about those who don't return? What about those they leave behind? What do their scars look like?

Gold Star family members may not advertise their tragedies for the world to see, but what they have lived through is enough to leave anyone broken.

The name "Gold Star" came from the custom of families of service members hanging a banner called a Service Flag in the window of their homes. The Service Flag had a star for each family member in the military. Living service members were represented by a blue star, and those who had lost their lives were represented by a gold star.

For U.S. Army Staff Sgt. Fran Smith, Army Contracting Command New Jersey non-commissioned officer, this feeling is all too familiar.

"At the time, I wasn't looking for support, I really just wanted to be by myself and left alone," said Smith, who lost her husband Sept. 14, 2006. "Every time I talked about it, it brought me back and I wanted it to not be real. If I didn't talk about it or I didn't deal with it, I felt like it was just a dream. Even today, sometimes I block it out like it didn't really happen."

Tears fill Smith's eyes as she relived the awful day.

"Emotionally they sent me to Behavioral Health and things like that, as well as programs like Survivor Outreach Services. They let us know they hadn't just thrown us away and forgotten about us.

"I was stationed in Germany at the time with our son, and the Army was great," Smith said. "A lot of it was a blur, I didn't really grasp the fact that he wasn't coming home. I was putting it to the back of my mind and thinking, 'He'll be home tomorrow. He'll be home. He'll be home.' Like a bad dream."

Smith commended the Army for the aid they provided her and her family. Her commander got her orders to Georgia within a month so she was close to family. She left and her household goods were moved; she didn't know who arranged it. Soldiers met her at the airport. "The Army took care of me as much as they could."

No amount of time can heal the broken hearts of family members at home.

"My husband was in Iraq, as well," said Darlene Hemingway, Army Support Activity-Dix Civilian Personnel human resource specialist.

He died April 10, 2003, but Hemingway still feels the hurt of her loss.

Programs and outlets for survivors have been improved upon and added since Hemingway's experience in 2003.

Hemingway is often notified of newer programs involving survivor benefits, monuments, appreciation nights and events catered to Gold Star spouses, children and parents are regular happenings held for Gold Star families.

"I received updates in a timely manner for benefits and different things," she said. "I get information on the changes to the kids' benefits and stuff like that. I think it's really awesome how it all works out."

The Army now has "The Days Ahead: Essential Papers for Families of Fallen Service Members" informational packet they give to Gold Star spouses or families explaining what needs to be done after the loss of a service member. The binder is a one-stop source for keeping track of important contacts; books on loss and grief; coping advice for spouses and children; and a list of important documents that should be kept with the book in case they're needed in the future.

Susan Mullen, Survivor Outreach Service support coordinator, stated it's not always about the programs available. A lot of the times spouses will meet at events and network. The SOS encourages spouses connecting and helping each other through their situations.

"Sometimes it's not about talking to professionals," Mullen said. "Sometimes what survivors need is peer support more than anything. Networking can be a key piece of the healing process."

Hemingway and Smith work across the street from another yet never knew of their shared scars.

Before leaving, the two women exchanged phone numbers to talk and meet up.