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Get reconnected with your partner after deployment

  • Published
  • By Melodye Giovanni
  • Family Advocacy Program Outreach Manager
MCGUIRE AFB, N.J. --  Although deployments are typical and expected across a military career, each deployment is unique and has its own set of challenges and rewards. It is important to understand the distinct set of circumstances surrounding each deployment, particularly when it comes to maintaining and sustaining emotional ties to your partner. Deployments can be a positive growth-producing experience for the military and family member if they have the proper set of skills and information to successfully navigate time apart and together.

Access to e-mails and cellular phones have made it easier to stay connected to family and friends. While this is a vast improvement over days gone by, it does not and can not replace time together. Dedicated time to getting reacquainted and reconnected is essential to the longevity and health of your relationships. By understanding how relationships work you will be able to deliberately target the five essential relationship areas to know and grow. They are as follows:

· Knowledge: Getting to know someone is a life-time event. Take time to sit and talk with your partner. Show interest by giving your partner your undivided attention. Set aside uninterrupted time to talk and listen. Be patient as it takes time to open up. Show interest in what the person is saying even if the topic is unimportant to you. Nonverbal cues can be a source of encouragement. Maintain eye contact, face your partner, smile and nod your head to show that you are listening and are interested in what is being said. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Open up and share your thoughts and feelings. A solid friendship-based marriage can be a source of joy and support, and strengthen your relationship.

· Trust: Trust is essential to building intimacy and securing emotional safety and security. Every marriage should have a mutually agreed upon set of expectations and behaviors that guide behavior and establishes limits. Couples should set aside time to discuss their expectations about money, friends and fidelity, to name a few. Once there are jointly established expectations, each member should do his or her part in maintaining the agreements through his or her behavior and actions. What you say should match what you do.

· Reliance: Can you be counted on? Do you follow through with commitments? Do you make yourself emotionally available and support your partner emotionally by listening - "being there" - routinely, consistently and in times of need? Reliable behavior supports trust and is a critical relationship building block. At times you may falter in "being there", but as a rule it is important to be as consistent as possible. Again, what you say should match what you do. This is the root of trust.

· Commitment: Are you in your relationship for the long haul? Have you communicated this to your partner? Has something happened to make you question your commitment? Do you feel emotionally secure? These are questions that can arise at anytime during the course of a relationship. Communication is the key in addressing this critical area. Commitment is demonstrated by being trustworthy, reliable and open. At times we all need reassurance; be sure to periodically tell your partner that you love him or her and are deeply committed to the relationship. It is important not to take each other for granted. If you have doubts about the status of the relationship sit and talk with your partner about what's affecting your ability to feel and stay committed. Don't be afraid to broach the subject. Problems left unattended can worsen. Communication can lead to productive solutions and bring you closer together. Seek professional help if you are unable to settle this on your own.

· Touch: Re-establishing affection and sexual intimacy is important after periods of separation. Getting reacquainted by spending time together and talking can help you and your partner open up. The area of touch is deeply affected by the other aspects of relationships - including knowledge, trust, reliance and commitment - and can have a tremendous impact on your ability to receive and give affection and enjoy sexual intimacy.

Remember that deployments bring change for each person. If recognized as normal and managed well, these changes can enrich your relationship and help you grow closer. It is important to be patient with one another as you adjust to time apart and together. A program that can help is the Sweet Hearts Seminar. This program teaches and supports couples in the areas of conflict management and communication. The program is held on Saturdays, provides free child care, free lunch and breakfast and prizes. For more information and registration about the next Sweet Hearts Seminar and other programs, contact the Family Advocacy Program at (609) 754-9680.